Attachment

"Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. The most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development."

The amount I've thought about the word attachment this week is significant. One of the children in my care, one of my little loves, doesn't know secure attachment yet.

At first, this hit me like a ton of bricks:

- He's been with me so long, how can he not be attached to me

- What am I doing wrong

- I needed to re-read my Connected Parent book

- I need to learn more about TBRI

- After work, I need to go right to daycare and pick the kids up to spend more time with them.

....etc.

The common denominator of my initial reaction was about me. It didn't have to do with him, it had to do with what I did wrong - how self-centered to think his attachment is about me, but that's where my head went!

Then I slept on it, processed it by myself, and discussed it in therapy the next day and within 24 hours I went from my heart hurting because I did something wrong to my heart BREAKING because a poor little kid is currently lacking a safe and secure attachment to someone.

To be completely candid - we don't know what his attachment level was like with his first mom, or anyone else prior to my care. I know he has an attachment to his biological parents, because as research shows and we know it to be true. I do know he cares deeply for our family and extended family and friends - but does he truly have an attachment? This isn't something our therapist knows for sure from a one-hour get-to-know-you session, however, this is her expertise so if that's what's going on we have some work to do!

Also, I've been trying to not share too much about my kids and this was a pretty big share - but I share because this is a major part of foster care. This is a part of parenting that differs from biological children. I can see this even though I don't have any biological children. This is also something that makes foster care difficult. We read and see all the cute Instagram signs, and shirts about getting too attached, but we don't talk about how that process looks and how it takes time! We've lived together for a while, and we've been through some big moments so naturally, I'd assume we have a secure attachment at this point in our journey but we don't. We're headed there but we're not fully there and that's a fact. I need to accept it and take the next steps to support him in learning and creating healthy attachments. Can I hope that's to me and our family - of course, can I be sad and hurt if it's not - again, yes but I cannot be mad at him if he doesn't end up attached to me. The goal is for him to learn healthy, safe, and secure attachment; whomever it may be for.

Now the next steps are on me:

- How do I learn more about attachment

- What can I do to support him where he's at

- How can I make sure I don't put myself first in these next steps but also realize I'm the adult and need to shape this?

- What activities allow him to trust more, but still, teach age-appropriate boundaries and cautions?

- How do I avoid comparing children's attachment - because they shouldn't be compared?

This will require listening and learning! I love to read and learn, and I'm a good listener when it comes to being a friend - but sitting and listening to what I can do better never feels good. I'd much rather be self-critical and point out my own flaws than pause and listen to someone looking into our lives and sharing what we're doing well and what we need to adjust - but that's what's needed! We need to put in the work as a family.

As much as I love to be self-reflective, I need to pause, get out of my own head for a little while and be receptive to hearing from others. I need to be more present in each moment and stop jumping to where I think we need to be, or where I want us to be. This is another flaw I have and something that's hard to break out of. It's an inner monologue so no one can really tell me to stop doing it, because no one knows it's happening!

Lately, I've been jumping to 2023: my goals, what we'll change, house projects, how I should get some type of answers in a few areas regarding the kids, etc. I'm hopeful for various aspects of 2023 that I've found myself leaving any faults in 2022. I know I'm feeling overwhelmed with the house still being disorganized and I have goals for work that I just can't get done in December so I keep adding things to my big idea of 2023. The problem is there are still 23 days this year. That's 23 opportunities to be present, start to build proper attachment, and let go of what I think should happen. It only takes 21 days to build a habit, so it's time to reframe my mind. I have a phone call with our family therapist tomorrow and I'm going to ask one thing I can do every day to help support attachment and I promise to create a habit of it still within 2022!