Find Your Tribe

So I’ve recently started working out again, which was needed for both my mental stamina and physical. Getting back into working out has brought up one of my favorite phrases:

“Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”

The first time I heard this phrase I lived in Honduras, it was also the first time I truly lived outside my bubble of the world. It opened my eyes to new experiences, new people, new viewpoints, and new ways of life. It allowed me to think about things from a different perspective. I am forever grateful for that. Now 7 years later I’m reminded of that phrase when again, I’m living outside the typical bubble and norm of where I live. I still live in a village that’s a bubble, but my mind no longer lives there. I’ve grown, I’m okay talking about things that used to make me cringe (most things LOL). I work to learn, grow, and become more uncomfortable in myself – it shows I’m changing. I mean...look at that hug from when I was in Honduras...CHANGE!

I used to be the girl that feared change, now I embrace it! I embrace the idea of welcoming a child into my home with only 90 minutes' notice, I embrace that my holidays aren’t going to look the same as when I grew up – that used to be my biggest fear. I wouldn’t have a family and I’d never been able to share in a Christmas experience like I grew up. Now I understand that any of my children will have a very different Christmas’ than when I grew up because they are different from me! I can give similar experiences, but they shouldn’t be a replica.

I mean...we all look thrilled right! JK I know we all look back on our traditions and wouldn't change a thing.

This past Christmas looked similar and yet completely different! That may have to do with it being my first Christmas as a parent, but I was ready for the change this year.

I learned this a little bit with Easter. We woke up, had some breakfast, and then searched for eggs. Well, Mister Man is a bit too young, which I knew, so he just chomped on the plastic eggs and Cookie Monster had clearly never done an Easter egg hunt or searched for a basket. That’s OKAY! I still walked him through it, but it made sense why there was no thrill for him. When he finally opened an egg his face lit up and he goes “WOW! CANDY!” I couldn’t help but laugh. He had just come back into our care the Monday prior, and then we had a holiday. What a tough first week for a 3-year-old. We then went to church and my parents. It was a long day, with so many grown-ups he was just learning about. He had a few episodes of big feelings over the weekend and I felt so overwhelmed with emotions about what my family would think, the comments that would be made, etc. 100% honesty, I didn’t enjoy Easter this year. It wasn’t a celebration, it was lots of anxiety and big feelings for the boys and myself. That’s when I realized I needed to get back into working out and taking time for my mind and body to release those feelings.

If I’m feeling this way, imagine how Cookie Monster feels. He’s in a new place, with an 11-month-old baby, a dog, and an adult woman giving him directions. He started daycare then was quarantined for a runny nose (don’t worry I’ll get into that in a bit), now different adults babysitting him, then back to daycare, one visit with mom, and then nothing more at this time. This poor little guy is supposed to process all of this with guidance and just accept it. HELL NO! He’s allowed to have BIG feelings, and I needed to be a better advocate for him. We took the past few weeks to connect as our new unit. I’m safely allowing those feelings and guiding him in the best ways to express those. I’m holding boundaries while also working to be patient. I’m making mistakes, he’s pushing limits – this is all supposed to happen.

What’s not supposed to happen is me worrying about what others think, me getting overly frustrated with the system that I begin to be negative about this journey. I don’t need to apologize for the kids safely expressing their big feelings. This is more of a self-pep talk but I’m also open and realistic about what I’m going through. Within the past month that Cookie Monster has been with me, he’s met over 15 new adults. We know kids connect better with kids, yet I didn’t put his needs first. The adults were all necessary through DCFS, daycare, babysitting, etc. That’s a big shame on me! After our first two weeks, I felt more available to have people over, and slowly try this again. I am feeling much more confident in my connection with Cookie Monster and my ability to advocate for him.

Snuggles on day 2 of his return.

I know I’m a sensitive person and I take everything I hear very seriously, I personally feel it’s a strength and a flaw. It can be that I’m overly reflective on things I need to change, but I’m very impractical in my timelines. Now with two kids, I’m becoming better at deciding what’s worth the internal battle and what’s not (not fully there yet).

I have learned so much about Cookie Monster and seen so much growth in him this past month. He is:

- Full of giggles

- Smiles galore

- Kind

- Friendly

- Playful

- Imaginative

- Musical (well tries to be)

- Active

- And so much more that I can’t wait to continue to learn about.

That is not to say he doesn’t have his areas of struggle, but that’s between me, him, and whoever truly needs to know. All the world needs to know is that he’s learning new things every day. He has a smile that will melt your heart. He will hug anyone who needs it…he is a HUGGER!

I’m working to shift the way I advocate. I know I shared limited information, but what I do share needs to be more positive, encouraging, and accepting of what the situations are. Both these boys come from people who love them. There are mistakes made in life. My journey is to be a safe, loving, constant for them in a world of inconsistency and confusion that they did not ask for. The small things I can do for them are to stay present in our time together and talk positively when people ask about how things are going. Typically, I share very basic info, but I can definitely express a tone about how I feel about things. That cannot happen in front of the boys EVER and I need to be better so I don’t start having such negative views about the entire system (which most everyone already does – hence why it’s a failed system).

Now we’re all human so I expect to fail at this many times and try again. I know that boys will continue to hear me vent about them getting sent home from daycare for a runny nose, having to quarantine them but still need to go to work, complain about another doctor not picking up the phone when I call, etc. These are things all parents complain about and are healthy to show them. The fact we had to get another doctor's note for a cold after a negative COVID test is frustrating! Going to that same doctor a week and a half later for a bumped head from daycare – also frustrating! [It is the protocol for DCFS – and yes the Dr. thought I was a crazy parent coming in for a bumped head until I explained the situation.] When you get licensed to parent, you expect it to be a bit different from biological children (if you think it is going to be the same or should be the exact same, please learn more about foster care) but I’ll be honest I didn’t expect to have such a lack of communication when it comes to certain areas. Not knowing if the doctor's note goes to casework or just in his file, calling about visitations, making sure daycare is visited by the caseworker and that they have one another’s communication info, but knowing I’m not part of it…like what! All the forms have daycare info, why do I need to pass it along but then get to know nothing after that.

That all shows how much these boys need consistency, routine, and boundaries as much as I can provide it. It means celebrating all our smalls wins! It means positive praise when we scream that we cannot have a toy instead of hitting the wall! I could not do it alone – I 1000% need my tribe! I’m so thankful for everyone who supports us. I’ve learned to jump in and share the best ways to redirect, and if the person isn’t doing it, I will step in as needed. We are all learning and growing with children so I’m working to lower my frustrations and accept help as it's offered!

I want to end this update with a major THANK YOU to everyone supportive of our journey! I know I can’t talk to everyone daily, and I’m not the best at keeping up with thank you notes (I’m working on it) but I’m in awe of how many people have reached out, commented, gifted us something, babysat and given their time, checked in how the boys are feeling, check-in how I’m feeling, etc. I hear all the cliché phrases about fostering, but those cliches couldn’t be shared if I did not have this amazing, wonderful tribe I have to lean on. These boys would not be in my home if it wasn't for all the support we've been given. I’d feel a hell of a lot more lost without everyone and that is one thing I will never fully be able to express my gratitude to all. I can follow my passions, serve God, and still live a life that brings me joy and that is one thing that can’t be replaced no matter what lies ahead in this journey of life!