First Catch

So I've made my first known judgment about bio parent and it was such a punch in the gut when someone pointed it out. It was pointed out in an honest way, but oh man! did I realize that comment was a BIG judgment about bio parent.

I'm truly working to be realistic about this process and being me I know I talk so quickly without fully thinking through and processing what I'm sharing or saying. This is something I knew I'd need to work on, however, I haven't been super mindful of putting that into action.

The emotional roller coaster is something I knew to expect, it's just still sinking in - as I shared in my last post - how strong these emotions have been. I'm feeling everything I'm feeling and then I'm feeling so much for mister man. Also not knowing how he'll react to each situation as it takes place is so tough too.

I follow many different foster blogs on Instagram and a post I saw this past weekend really resonated with me. She shared:

Oh darling, each day I hold in tension the most tender reality of foster care: I am falling in love with you, as my son, with my whole heart, completely and fully. AND I remember and honor that you are not-as feeling and function would suggest-my son. Born to another mother, kept by a system that decides for you and for us-I love you as mine, but that doesn't make you mine.

This paragraph was EVERYTHING I've been feeling put into such a well-worded paragraph. She goes on to say:

It's an impossible tension on its own, until I remember whose you truly are. I can both love you as "mine" and release you as "not mine," because you are His, and I surrender you to Him. I love you, son. He loves you more.

Tonight was the first night I felt I could sit back and self reflect. That might be because it only happened this morning, but I know human nature has judgments so I'm able to look back at if I've truly focused on mister man's biological parents in an unbiased meaningful way. I feel that I have been well-intended in my purpose for becoming a foster parent.

I feel when I speak to others about mister man's visitations, and people ask questions I need to feel confident that I can't/shouldn't be sharing this information. I still feel I want an outlet for it, but that's why I decided to go back to therapy so I need to find some type of way to keep that to myself until I go to my next session. Share what I know as factual information, not my assumptions. I also need to be aware of keeping the facts straight. I need to find a balance to ENSURE mister man's care is the reason for everything the team, including myself, is focusing on.

Here's to a better end of the week with positive thoughts and great times for mister man!