Harsh Realities & How We Made Changes

Our holiday season went by quickly! It’s crazy how much can happen in a short amount of time. We all truly enjoyed our time together. Christmas was magical, even in my anxiousness. I can’t believe that then having a week off post-holidays led to so much change and kicking 2023 off in the best way possible for our family! This year instead of setting a few new years resolutions I decided to really work on myself over the course of 2023. I want to ensure I’m making changes in my habits, so I’m slowing down to focus on one area, very intentionally, each month.

2023 Break Down

January --> Being present July --> Self-Care.

February --> Finances August --> Routine

March --> Accountability September --> Career

April --> Faith October --> Goals

May --> Health November --> Relationships

June --> Organization December --> Reflection

Reasons for this New Focus

December 2022 led to another heightened time for my anxiety. This time felt worse than last year, and I noticed it was becoming less in my control. I decided to take the next steps and reach out to a psychologist. I’m in personal therapy for one hour a week and a parent coaching session of therapy for an additional hour each week. Even with the two hours a week, I was feeling anxious all the time. It’s hard to describe anxiety, but I think my biggest cues were the constant worry & panic, the physical changes I could feel, I was crying most days, I was unable to focus, and I was becoming unmotivated. I knew I had to set an appointment, and I’m thankful they were able to get me in pretty quickly. After seeing the psychologist, she diagnosed me with moderate general anxiety disorder as well as depression. She recommended I start medication. We discussed the different types of medication she may put me on, how it will work, and that I always have the final say of if I want to be on it or not.

I’ve officially been on medication for 6 weeks. I can honestly say I’ve seen such an

improvement in myself in many ways. I’m a more patient parent, I’m a more motivated employee, and I’m feeling energized in ways I haven’t for a while! I’m noticing certain traits are back that I didn’t even know disappeared. But there’s still a taboo about medication, or at least I felt that way as I was beginning this step. While feeling super high anxiety and some smaller areas of depression I had to make this decision that didn’t’ feel easy. I felt weird asking others if they were on medication and learned that so many people are. Now I know everyone’s personal life is personal but knowing how many of my friends took an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant made me feel a bit more comfortable. I was able to ask about their experience, but I felt very intrusive asking if they were taking anything. As a verbal processor, I needed to hear from other people and share my thoughts to truly understand where my head was at. It’s hard because with physical health we don’t question it, but with mental health, I feel there’s still a little bit of a stigma to not discussing it. When I had issues with my knee it was just a common question because it was a physical issue people could see, however with my anxiety I must be the one to bring it up. It’s no one’s fault, just a major difference to note because it added to how much I was in my own head.

How I Apply this in Practice

I’ve been trying to work to be mindful of strategies I can use to lessen the anxiety I’m still having. Since my anxiety is no longer consuming my every emotion and thought I’m able to put healthier steps in place to ensure I’m working to be my best self. I’ve started to get up an hour before the kids, and if they’re up they must play quietly in their rooms. During this time, I get ready, have a cup of coffee, read, and journal every morning. This has made our mornings out the door so much smoother and has led to better weeks for us! During my time journaling I’m working on reflecting on what’s bothering me, setting goals, and finding ways to practice mindfulness throughout the day. I’ve also been able to utilize my time journaling to have more meaningful therapy sessions and see deeper progress verse the surface-level support it had become this past fall.

Another component to support both my anxiety but is also a goal for 2023 is to be on my phone less. I read “How to Break Up with Your Phone” by Catherine Price every morning this month. I journaled why I as was using my phone, how it impacted me both positively and negatively, and how I want to use my phone in the future. The amount of time I use to spend scrolling was embarrassing. I set my phone limit to 5 hours per day and towards the end of 2022 was hitting that regularly, and occasionally clicking out to scroll more. I felt like scrolling was a way to stop my mind from all the anxiety (yes, this a total lie but it’s what I was doing to cope with all my stress). The other day I checked my phone time from last week and it fell between 48 minutes and 1hr and 23 minutes per day. I’ve read 7 books this month, played regularly and intentionally with my children, and have gotten back into cooking dinners more routinely. In the car, I’ve started listening to podcasts to and from work. I’m learning more, connecting with family and friends who have also listened to something similar, and I’m not checking my phone at stoplights anymore. I’m also not scrolling and comparing myself to others or making notes of what I think I should be doing verse what I intentionally want to be doing.

How It’s Impacted My Work

I also haven’t been checking my phone during work as much, and I’ll leave it in my backpack during my time with students. I’ve been a better educator this month. I’m back to finding my passion within education! Partially due to being on my phone less, and partially due to a real break! Going back on January 9th was a game-changer! I went back feeling refreshed, recharged, and ready to work. This role is new, but I’m excited to see how the second half of this year will go. Reflecting on the first half of the year I can note some things that for sure need to be adjusted, add some new things, acknowledge the things I’m doing well, and change the things that aren’t going well.

This new role has been an adventure, but a nice adventure. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect and at times I still feel unsure what to expect but I do have an idea of what I think this role could be and how it could really benefit our district. I’m hoping to try a few things this semester and then bring them up to my boss as a baseline of where we could start next year with all our EL students.

As much as I’ve been seeing lots of positive changes this month, that doesn’t mean we haven’t had our big emotions and typical foster care rollercoasters! Both cases were supposed to have court, both were not shockingly, but still disappointingly postponed. We’ve had lots of appointments and evaluations! So far this year we’ve seen endocrinologists, developmental pediatricians, pediatric orthopedics, & ENT. We see genetics this week, pediatric neurology in March, and just scheduled a medical diagnostic with another developmental pediatrician. We’ve had four meetings regarding IFSPs & transitioning to school, one check-in regarding an IEP, and four evaluations with OT, social work & a developmental therapist. This is just to share how many appointments and things we’ve had. Yes – it’s so wonderful that we’re being heard; I’m not complaining about these appointments, mainly just sharing because we’ve been in 2023 for one month and had that many appointments. That means stress, worry, anxiety, fear, etc. come hand in hand with getting answers.

Family Updates

Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster is a kid unlike any other! He’s got highs and lows in his emotions, but I can’t blame him. This child has been through so much and is trying to process things I’m having trouble with. He goes to therapy once a week, and I’m grateful we have someone to help both of us through this process. He’s recently begun visits with his mom again. Obviously, he’s thrilled to see her, but it does add some extra feelings for this guy. He’s getting older, which means more feelings, more understanding, and more questioning. We’re working through some emotions while I try my best to support him through. I can honestly say I’m truly proud of his mom, and I’m working to support her and him throughout this process. This definitely means there are a lot of both/and feelings. It’s been a lot to process, and I won’t share too much but please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers, and yes this includes bio mom, she needs support too!

School has been going well. I feel winter break was much needed! His teacher and I had to work through a few things in November and December but the month of January has been much better for him and therefore his teacher and I have had much better communication. This is important because I need to be sure that we have open communication, especially given that his situation sometimes changes from week to week. He has new information to process and a few things going on that most kids don’t have to think about. We’ve seen some major improvements in him at school this month and the days that have been challenging have been communicated well, so when we come home I know a small piece of where he might be at emotionally. I look forward to continuing to watch him grow for the rest of this year! I can’t believe Kindergarten registration begins next week!

Mister Man

He’s as wild as ever! We had some unexpected appointments come up this past month and hopefully one of these answers will lead us to more sleep! Our hour spurts throughout the night are taking a toll on both him and I. By summer I’m truly hoping we find a way to sleep through the night or at least only wake up here and there. So many of the other conversation pieces that come up are quickly dismissed, which I get, due to the fact that his sleep is irregular. I’m happy to share that even with the lack of sleep he’s a bright, creative, well-rounded kiddo! He steals a place in everyone’s heart and every day at daycare he hugs all his friends and teachers hello and goodbye.

He’s been enjoying visits with mom and dad. When he comes home, we talk about who he saw and how much they love him! He still is a bit young to fully understand the situation, but we very gently talk about it so it’s not a surprise, it’ll just be part of what he learned as he grows up…at least while he lives in our home.

Peanut

She has gained SO many new skills in the past month. She currently receives PT & Speech services. She is being evaluated for a few more. However, the gap between her struggles is less than it was back in November which is HUGE! She has such a personality and is a major mama’s girl at the moment. She’s still too young to understand everything going on, but again we read different books as part of our nighttime routine to help the situation be an open area for discussion when she’s older and to the point of understanding.

We have a few more major appointments later this week and in March, but I’m not as stressed and anxious about them after two evaluations that have been helpful. We did go to the pediatric orthopedic doctor, and it was not a very good experience so we’re getting a second opinion but I’m remaining positive!

Peanut loves to play with her babies, run around and be chased, play peek-a-boo, and now she loves to tell you all about your nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and belly!

February

I’m excited to continue the habits I learned in January! That’s one reason I really wanted to slow down and focus on one area at a time – to make it a new habit. I don’t want to jump back into my old patterns, I know our family wouldn’t benefit from it. Looking into February à we plan to remain home quite a bit for this month again. It was really helpful in January to spend our time together and connect in ways that I hadn’t been present. I want my kids to know I enjoy playing, reading, crafting, etc. with them, because I do but I lost that a bit when my anxiety was the main area of focus.

February is a month that creates plenty of opportunities for at-home learning, crafting, baking, cleaning, getting outside (when it’s not 20 degrees or less, I’m not that adventurous yet), reading and learning to pick up after ourselves. The boys are learning to sleep more (kind of) and how to pick up after themselves and what it means to have some chores. Peanut is learning to put her babies away before bedtime and how the nighttime routine is important to her, as well as the boys. I’m learning that routine is important to me! Keeping a structured morning and nighttime routine has shaped this past month in ways that have supported our home I must continue to practice what I preach and also be present at meal times, read before bed, follow my routines, and complete my chores!