Hello, 2022!

Long time, no post!

As you can see, I’ve had a title change of my blog…after pretty much 9 months away, it felt right! So, sit down, grab a cup of tea, some popcorn whatever

you need because this is going to be a bit lengthy!

My life has had many changes, quarantines, meetings, a new school year, holidays, quite a few caseworkers, and more. It just became too much to keep up with a blog, however, after a few months of therapy, it seems to blog is a therapeutic and a nice outlet for me. I can share my experiences through my perspective and not feel like I’m giving someone my problems who doesn't want them.

So, if you’re here, thank you! Being a single foster parent and teacher throughout this pandemic has been a test! My anxiety hit an all-time high the past few months and I was truly struggling. I’m beyond grateful for my support system because without them I would’ve crumbled. Anxiety is something that I’ve always had, but typically it’s been mild or comes at expected times. This past year, it became consuming. It didn’t start out that way, it sort of slowly crept in. It was easy to ignore it for the first 6 to 8 months because we had so many changes in our home.

January 2021 – Mister Man begins daycare.

February 2021 – We handle our first quarantine...of many to come.

March 2021 – Cookie Monster joined our home, left, and rejoined our home.

May 2021 – Mister Man had surgery, Peanut was born, and joined our home.

June 2021 – Taught ESY, even though I requested not to.

July 2021 – Family Staycation

August 2021 – Back to School & thought Cookie Monster’s sister was joining our home to find out she wasn’t.

All of these provided me some time of distraction from the major changes that were taking place in our home and in my life. It was just September 2020 that I was still at home, just me and Jovie. I was my only priority, well, and the pup of course. These were all both/and experiences. That meant joy with sadness, trauma with new stability, learning while doing, etc. Pretty much to say by the end of all these changes I hadn’t prioritized myself and hit survival mode. I felt the need to say yes to everyone, be the best advocate, find the best at-home activities, make dinner every night, attempt to keep the house clean, continue to socialize, get all my points in grad school that when the new school year hit, I didn’t have anything left to give.

I still fell into a routine of getting what was necessary done, but that was it. By November I was completing only what we needed to get through the day. I was on edge at work expecting a phone call from daycare to come to pick up the kids. I had used so many sick days already I was contemplating quitting and finding a new job. Then my classroom got quarantined and all I could do was cry and feel responsible. If I hadn’t taken off, if I had marked 6 ft better, if I had changed something. Thankfully today, all students and staff are healthy, but it was at that point that I realized I needed to go back to therapy. My anxiety was starting to control my every day because I felt in control of nothing. I was becoming an impatient person. I was short with my staff, I was disconnected from my students, I couldn’t wait for bedtime with my kids. I just needed something to give.

This is just putting a small amount of how overwhelmed I was feeling into words. I tried to talk about it but all it would come out as was complaining, tears, and tired.

Finding a therapist was the first step. I reached out to 13 therapists, narrowed it down to 3 based on if they could meet my needs, insurance, had availability. Once I had 3 narrowed down, I request a phone call or mini session to meet and get to know them. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t finding another therapist that didn’t click. Only 2 of the 3 were willing to do this so that helped, from there I found my current therapist who I felt comfortable with but also felt she would push and disagree with me. Personally, I don’t believe therapy is a 1-hour vent session – now I have used one session like that, but in all the other sessions we’ve worked on setting goals, processing, finding what’s at the root of my anxiety, and more. It feels productive and I’m noticing changes within myself in just 3 months.

1. Control

This is one major trigger for my anxiety. When I am not able to be in control of a situation, I find my anxiety at an all-time high. Now let’s think about my life: foster care, teaching another year during COVID, kids at daycare during COVID, and a messed up left knee that may or may not need surgery. Out of these situations I have very little to no control over the grand scheme of things. I play a role in these scenarios but am not a decision-maker. Therefore, many days I wait; I wait for a phone call, I wait for the protocol to change, I wait to hear from a caseworker or lawyer. I wait for my phone to buzz so I have some new information.

2. Vulnerability

If you’re reading this, you’re probably chuckling that vulnerability is on my list as I’m probably one of the most open book people. I process by talking and sharing. I didn’t expect this to be on my list – but we’ve discovered it’s there. This seems to be another big one but one I haven’t been fully ready to dive into. Each week we talk about it and she pushes me a little but is waiting for me to initiate. I’m sure once I do, I’ll learn a lot about myself, but for now, it’s good to know this is playing a bigger role in my life than I previously realized.

3. Being a Burden

After a few sessions, you and your therapist get a bit more comfortable. My therapist decided she was going to point out when I wasn’t putting myself in the center of the conversation. She was going to let me know when I was prioritizing others; be it their thoughts, feelings, needs, emotions, wants, worries, etc. We haven’t made it a full session without that happening multiple times, however, I did make it 32 minutes into a session before she had to point it out! Worrying how I do, say, react, to someone else plays a HUGE role in my anxiety. It causes me to overthink, overanalyze, worry, stir, spiral and more. I see myself as very selfish and self-center so it’s hard to not see that when I vent, complain, ask for help, talk about successes, etc. It doesn’t matter how others see me, this is one of the negative qualities I see in myself, so working through how venting to a friend, doesn’t mean I’m a burden to them or asking someone other than family to babysit is not using them as a friend – things along those lines.

Now that I’ve shared 3 of my major anxiety triggers here are some ways I’ve begun to cope, plan, and support my anxiety.

1. Control

My therapist and I have discussed finding ways for me to feel I have some control of what may happen. So, I plan for the scenarios I can. I am working to stay present, and, in the time, I have with my kids. I call or email whoever is necessary about the issues that I have a say in, I advocate for them as best I can. I call, text, email, annoy whoever I must try and get what they need! I hold all my emotions and worries of their next court day in a separate compartment and let them come out a few days before court so it doesn’t take over the rest of my life – that worry is always there but it cannot be what is in control. At work, I plan for lessons that I know that kids can safely participate in. That may mean less creativity, stations, 1:1 time, etc. but it means more group time, more time to work on functional communication, more time in a different position. Daycare…well they’re always a battle but I remind myself it’s not the centers' fault, they are a daycare chain and following their protocol just as I do at school. I talk with our pediatrician regularly; I have talked to my mom about babysitting when she can. My knee, unfortunately not too much I can do about that but we’ve paused on surgery and are trialing some additional PT and me working to lose some weight – so I’ve joined Weight Watchers and scheduled a full 4 weeks of PT for twice a week.

2. Vulnerability

I’ve gotten back into journaling. My goal is to spend 2 to 3 nights a week in my written journal working things out for myself. As I shared, I’m still building up the courage to really get into the deeper meaning of how this impacts my anxiety but giving myself scheduled time and space to do so is a great first step.

3. Being a Burden

I am also still working on this one. I’ve started by working on my ‘self-care’. As much as that term has recently been overused, it’s not wrong. Making time for myself every day is essential. It can be my time to journal, working on finances, going for coffee with a friend, squeezing in a workout, reading at night, etc. but it must be something I want to do and benefits me mentally. Folding laundry at night is time by myself but it doesn’t give anything back to me. I still have to get it done, but after two loads of laundry, I can save the third for tomorrow and sit down and read or do something else that serves me on a personal level. So far, I’ve been able to successfully make time for myself 4 out of 7 days! My goal by the end of February is 5 days a week. Obviously, 7 would be fantastic, but we all know how life gets and 5 days a week feels healthy and like I’m successfully prioritizing myself.

These aren’t the only areas my anxiety has impacted but have shown to be the ones that most affected me day after day. Some other areas that I struggled with were lack of motivation and organization. Now I won’t say I’m fully type A, because if you've seen my home, you know I’m not there. I think mentally I’d love to be organized in a type-A way but with 3 kids and a dog, it just doesn’t tend to happen. Overall if I can find what I need, and it’s in the location I expect it I’m happy. The past few months so many things were just shoved in drawers, toys never left the floor to be picked up, I’d wait until we needed laundry to do it, my typical morning and night routines just weren’t happening, chicken nuggets were a norm and Mister Man now asks to ‘watch’ on a regular basis. So many things just got let go while my anxiety spiraled.

Thankfully I have had a wonderful growth as of our most recent quarantine. When I got the call to come to pick up the kids after 20 minutes into their second day back, I was ready to fully lose it again. This time was different. I accepted that I couldn’t change what was happening and implemented what I knew I could control. I called my mom and asked her to meet me at my house so I could drop the kids off and go back to work, I ran down and told my boss what was going on and asked if I could combine my lunch and plan to allow for enough travel time. In the car, I called (on car speaker) the pediatrician to get Mister Man in that night instead of the next day. I did everything I had control over and starting off that way changed my entire approach this time around.

Today, laundry is done and this week I’m planning on getting back to my one load of laundry per afternoon/evening, back to loading the dishwasher running it over night and unloading it with my morning coffee time with Cookie Monster, having the kids help pick up toys and put them away correctly (when I didn’t have patience, there was no way I would have calmly taught them this), family dinners together at the time, books and bedtime routine as we had it, less screen and TV time (however this season of anxiety did teach me how to use this as a tool verse picking a time for the day), and overall healthy practices within our home.

This motivation and positive attitude might not stay for long, but I’m here for it while I have it. A big test of how I’m doing with my anxiety is going to be at the end of February. The kids have court on the same day…not ideal in any scenario. But knowing this is the situation I can be proactive in how I plan to deal with this. I can schedule more time for myself that week, that day, the day after. I can prioritize and know that will help. I can plan for that night to be leftovers, or a night to order in. I can pack lots of healthy snacks for myself that day and drink a great amount of water. I am in control of what I can be in control of.

I plan to continue to write monthly, if not more. I know that was my plan in the past – but as I’ve just shared, there is a reason it didn’t happen. I do hope to make this more informative as well. I want to share about specific areas of foster care, my job, and the resources I’ve loved. It may take me some time but now that grad school is completed – I plan to devote one evening a week to support this platform and help me share what I need.

Thanks for reading along and supporting me & my family throughout this journey.