I'm thankful for mixed emotions.

Today I read a post from a foster mom that shared her feelings about having another first for her placement, and how it's a mix of emotions. I shared it because I believe it truly encompassed the correct mixture of feelings.

His first Thanksgiving - that's so exciting! I made us shirts that are themed, he has PJ's and a bib. He'll get to have a few different purees. All things first-time parents are thrilled for, which I am...but that doesn't take away the fact that his bio mom isn't experiencing all those fun details.

Tomorrow she will get to see him. We're meeting at a park for a scheduled visit. My caseworker reached out and asked if I'd be willing to take him and supervise. I shared that I would - I feel it will best help this process. I'm not going to lie though, as it approaches I have a lot of mixed feelings, and I know I won't be able to objectively share the experience so I won't be writing about it. So tonight I will share my feelings.

• I fear this is going to be confusing for mister man.

• I fear his mom and I won't get along and that will create difficulty moving forward.

• I fear his mom and I will get along and that will change my thoughts from facts.

• I fear we have a conflict and the visit doesn't happen.

• I fear having to leave early because it's cold, but I know mister mans' needs come first.

• I find the joy that mister man will be able to spend his first Thanksgiving with two moms that love him.

• I am excited to meet bio mom and physically see her love for mister man.

• I am hopeful that this connects us and gives his mom reassurance that I am 100% for her and support her.

• I am anxious about this new unknown step.

• I am unsure if I'm making the right choice being this supervisor and meeting his mom this early in our journey together.

• 
  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'm beyond words thankful for mister man, but it's the first year I'm also very confused with my emotions. I know it will work out the way it needs. I need to trust in this process and trust God. Tomorrow afternoon, when I go to my parents I plan to be fully present. I plan to be there for those extra snuggles that might be needed. I will be there to feed mister man that next meal. I will take pictures of his messy face, his smiles, cute outfits, and first moments. I will treasure those moments and do my best to share them with his mom while still showing support. I will continue to love and be thankful while I navigate this new life I'm living.