Living with Stressors

Welp...it's been a hot minute since I've taken the time to write about my life. At first, I was okay with that because like I've said I'm doing this for me.

Then...this was me yesterday.

Trying to hold in yet another break down.

Yup, sitting down and using my outlet is important. It's a lot easier to express myself on this computer than truly with other people - and I am a pretty open book.

I've been regularly hitting that moment of break down this week, and it's not okay. I've always heard, you'll burn yourelf out and never actually thought I'd hit that point. Well - this week I did. The most motivating aspect of my life right now is mister man. He's my happiness and everything else is just necessary to complete as I figure it out in this moment.

Life has so many ups and downs and is a constant go that I've had trouble sitting down and making time for what I need. I currently need to make my to-do lists and be able to check off my accomplishments. I need to do 30 minutes of physical activity a day by either walking, doing yoga, a mini-workout, something! I need to bake pumpkin treats while listening to Christmas music and boy bands. I need to snuggle with mister man and watch The Grinch. I need to take a break from trying to figure it all out. I need to figure out what I'm able to, within my life, at this moment - AND THAT IS OKAY!

Teacher Life

2020 has obviously been chaos for EVERYONE, but I have never disliked my job until this year. People have told me that with my student population I have a high stress job, however I've never seen it that way. I love going to work, I thrive off advocating and finding ways to best support my students. This year - it feels like that is 1000% not possible in any capacity.

We made it through hybrid for 2 weeks before going back remote, with the intent to go back hybrid after Thanksgiving break. The problem is there is so much uncertanty for that and not enough notice for teachers. We've all been double to triple planning between in person, remote, distance learning, hybrid, student specifcs, etc. It goes on and on but now we're being told the night before that we're going back remote and need to shift our entire week back to our old remote lesson plan structure.

We all know that this is what teaching now looks like.

Teaching is something that is a lot of give, but such a reward in what you do. The problem is that teachers aren't getting that feedback from their students. They're listening to parents frustrations, while trying to support. I have a FABULOUS group of parents, and I still feel like I'm unable to help coach them through teaching their child. They shouldn't have to be their child's teacher, but they are.

I know there's not a fix at this moment because we are in the middle of a pandemic, but it doesn't make my feelings any less there. It doesn't make trying to be chipper and excited on zoom and then logging off and noting everything that went the wrong way. It doesn't change that I'm losing motivation and creativy to engage students remotely. Teachers have all tried to adapt, but it seems all over teachers are struggling and at their ends. Who does this help?

I'm writing IEP unsure of if what I write will actually help. Do I add the goal or not, because it's not practical with distance learning, and if I make it for distance learning it doesn't truly reflect that student's needs.

Social Life

So even after all my events are finished, I still feel like I'm not sure if I was right or wrong for attending. I felt very safe at all three weddings, but I can't help but still feel judgement.

I have such social anxiety, which is weird being such a social person, but it's defintely hit hard this year. I'm constantly questioning if people are going to be mad at a choice I made, or will they judge me if I don't make the choice they would have made.

My poor therapist probably thinks I'm crazy - but hey, that is why I go to her.

I'm not sure if it's because throughout this year I've lost (as in we are no longer friends) two of my best friends. One friendship very abruptly ended in February and the other slowly faded throughout the summer. Both of these people were two of my go to people. Like I valued his and her opinion and then before I knew it had neither.

It's not to say I don't have other friends and people I value but it's weird to have daily communication with people and then just not have it at all. It's an adjustment, not matter my feelings. Overall I feel one of those friendships needed to end; we were growing in different ways. Do I wish it ended differently, of course and maybe I'll never know why it ended. Hopefully one day her and I can be friendly - but I'm not holding on to it.

I think starting the year off on that note, while hoping to mend the other friendship was managable, but now were near the end of 2020 and growth has happened, but it wasn't easy. I think I need to end this year at peace, enjoy the holiday season in the best way I can, and show others I care and am there for them.

Mister Man

Ugh I just smile getting ready to type about him! He is adjusting so nicely! Things within is case are going well, and he's able to start trying foods this weekend!!

He's super healthy right now! Many of the concerns I wanted to keep an eye out for have been getting better. His pediatrican has shared to keep an eye on them, but he's developing appropriately.

I was hoping to start him in day care next week but pushed it back, and hoping he will still have a spot. There are a few more logistics that go into his specific day care and I'm feeling the stress of it all to the max! I want to ensure his spot but am trying to accommodate some other areas in life that play a role for us as well. It's for sure caused some tears this week!

I started to tear up in front of the day care liason becuase everything she told me yesterday was not what I needed to hear, and I've been trying to gather my thoughts so I can be very composed with talking to her next. If she doesn't call today, I may just leave it until Monday and hope that will help me process and move in the direction we need.

I don't have too much to type specificially about him but more my foster mom life...so I guess I'll re-title:

Foster Mom Life

The amount of communication that needs to happen between a variety of people is astounding, and necessary! I am on a phone call or texting daily to multiple people about him. My email now has a lable under family 'foster mom' because I want to make sure I keep it all organized.

I recently learned that I am going to meet mister man's mom and supervise a visit. These are some different steps than I had thought when I started this process, but I feel I'm truly following what foster care means. I'm working in a challenging system to allow opportunities for mom and son to spend together, even when offices are closed.

The amount I hear 'You're amazing', 'He's lucky to have you', and 'I'd get too attached' it truly UNREAL! People are well intended when they say these things but it's not that I'm special. It's that I'm willing to open my heart to hurt. It's hard to let your guard down, I"m just doing it in a very different way. I often hear many of those comments regarding my job, and I don't agree that "it takes a special person" to do my job either.

I read this one foster moms blog and loved this post so much I want to share it:

https://fosterloveblog.com/2019/10/25/i-couldnt-do-it-id-get-too-attached-2/

As humans, we adapt to a variety of situations. If anyone had to be in my shoes, most people would do it and do it damn well! There's nothing wrong with not wanting the same life and path I'm taking, but it doesn't make me a good or better person. It just means I followed a different path: not better or worse, not more holy or sinful...just different!

I've only been a foster mom for a little while, the joy and pain of reunification are going to be tough, but it is what needs to happen as appropriate! A child needs his or her parents, and I will support that in whatever capacity I'm able to.

Stressed Life

As I feel an obnoxious amount of stress this week, as I know almost everyone does. I remind myself that I'm lucky to have the stressors I do. It means I have goals, ambitions, love, people, joy, etc.

I am grateful for my life, especially as we are in November and getting closer to Thanksgiving.

I dont' want this outlet to seem like I'm not happy - because that's not true in any way. But it is nice to type to, essentially, no one and vent. I'm open to people reading this because I find comfort in other people's journeys. I also know that if it becomes too much I can use my journal or open a private word document. I have to post this without worrying how other's are interpreting in and just share what I feel is necessary. Hopefully it helps my family and friends understand me a little more or maybe it helps some random person who stumbled across it and finds themself in a very similar situation.

Weekend Life

Well to end this I'll just let you all know that I don't care what anyone else has planned. I will be setting up for Christmas this weekend - YES, prior to Thanksgiving for the first time ever - and I'm estatic for it. Mister man and I are readying for music, movies, lights, decorations, and all things Christmas!