Looking Ahead

Overall things are going very well with mister man. His growth and development are something to keep an eye on but nothing to be nervous about. We have gotten into a solid routine between visitations, daycare, work, and grad school. He's so smiley and happy! Next month we're able to start swim lessons too! He's very mobile - even PT and OT noticed right away at his evaluation. Once he's walking...I'm in WAY more trouble than I already am. I can't even run to the bathroom anymore (thank goodness for the teacher's bladder - haha).

There are many random moments when it hits...the biggest mix of emotions; that I get to care for this beautiful child, and his parents are missing these moments. That there's a reason he's in my care, but I don't know the whole story. That I love this boy more than anything else in this entire world, but he's not mine. That I often can't imagine my life without him, but I know I need to continue to root for his family to be together again.

It both fills and breaks my heart knowing that each day we continue getting closer to reunification. Nothing has been set yet, no goals or dates but that doesn't mean that as we approach each court date I don't prepare myself to be told he's going home - and that will be wonderful news! It also causes my anxiety to become very heightened prior to court. I'm excited to finally attend court (virtually) but also very nervous. I'm not participating at this time, but that doesn't make the process less scary.

This past weekend we went to the clinic to get caught up on shots. Each time we go it gets harder because his cries are louder, but I know that he feels safe when he turns into my chest and snuggles, and that's when it hits. It should be his mom and dad comforting him during these moments. He should feel safe with them, and that's the tragedy in this all. I pray that one day, sooner than later he gets to feel safe and cared for with his parents and that they get to take him for his shots. When it hurts and he burst into that cry where all you want to do is make it better, he turns into one of their chests to snuggle and feel consoled.

Then there are days like this morning, I have off school and DCFS offices are closed. That means a morning of memories for us, ones that I'll cherish forever, but it was a missed visit for his parents. It means they have to go an entire week without seeing their boy. It's in those moments that things just simply...suck. This morning is a situation where it wasn't parents missing a visit, or weather causing the issue, but just offices being closed. The reason it's an issue is that in my mind it's easy to count the times he does see his parents, and complain it's not enough, but for them (I assume) every second they get to see their son is motivation and now that's more time that's gone.

Obviously, I'm an overthinker and a big feeler so that probably is more a challenge than strength when it comes to fostering, but it's who I am. It makes for more emotional days and moments but it also helps me to see more perspectives or try to at least. It helps me take a moment to think about the bigger picture for mister man, than these moments that I'm in love with. It makes weeks like this: 3 doctor's appointments, court, visitation, moving classrooms, grad school projects, and regular chores, much more challenging since I won't just focus on the one step at a time but tend to look WAY ahead. It's something that I continue to work on, but know can't fix at this moment.

No matter what happens this week, I will cherish and love every moment with this sweet boy! I will continue to work on myself, as I care for him and I will continue to learn more about foster care. It a system that is broken, and I'd love to learn why. It something where I can do my part, but continue to learn and educate others. It's something that's important to me. I have a few books I ordered, that I'm hoping to read within the next month or two that will teach me and allow me to share my perspective with others.