My Monster

So Cookie Monster was here and back home within 48 hours. It's crazy how that happens, but it's the world of foster care. I won't go into any details regarding him, but more about my experience with this situation.

Love

How quickly you can love a child isn't lost upon parents, but how quickly you can love a child you didn't give birth to - that's something I don't think everyone understands, but it's real! I'm not going to pretend that the moment he came in I was fully in love, it took some bonding our first night, a few tantrums the next morning, but it just clicked at some point on Tuesday during breakfast. Cookie monster had stolen my heart and I knew at that moment, no matter what he will always be apart of my family.

It was very apparent how much Jovie loved Cookie Monster as well. After he left our home, she went and laid in his bed for a few hours that night and the next day. Of course, that only made my cray a bunch more.

Two pals just staring out the window!

It was also clear how much our village loves us. Mister man and Cookie monster are both loved and supported by so many people, I can never truly express what it means. I am touched beyond words that people care so much to check in on us, make sure we are taken care of, emotionally supported, fed, have all the supplies we need for our home - I will never be able to thank everyone enough.

Frustration

This system we have is messed up! We hear it all the time, but experiencing it just infuriates me. Knowing that a child can be removed from their home for various reasons, but go back within 48 hours is insanity! It's so traumatic and not always a necessary 'in the moment' decision. I understand that at times it is - but most times those children will not be going back home that week - or they shouldn't be at least.

It frustrates me that by being a foster parent, I won't be able to fix this system. It frustrates me that we have so many things to discuss in politics but foster care is never a big-ticket topic. These are children who need a change! These children not only need love and safety, but they also need consistency, they need routine, structure, a way to cope with these traumatic events of their childhood.

Confusion

I don't know if this is actual confusion or more of a life question...but why does this keep happening to children? Why can't we all be able to provide safe and supportive environments, no matter our history or situation? I know and understand that is not life but ugh it's always the big question. I'm so grateful that I'm able to be a foster parent, but wish we lived in a world where I was told we don't need you as a foster parent anymore.

Overwhelmed

Two boys, me and Jovie...man it was busy! It was also my first week back to full in person with all my students after just changing the classroom. To pretend I wasn't overwhelmed would be the biggest lie! It was last week that I truly realized I might be crazy. I know if Cookie Monster needs to live here again I will 100% say yes. I also realized that if he doesn't need my home, maybe I wait until summer to say yes to another placement. I know I can do all these things, but only have one semester left in grad school will be helpful, as well as starting a new school year with some more clarity and normalcy.

I was also overwhelmed by how quickly people stepped us and helped meet our needs. I had a friend print off papers I wanted ready for Cookie Monsters binder, I had coffee and a bagel dropped off in the morning, groceries dropped off after school. We had clothes, toys, and some other needs arriving in the mail last week through the weekend. I can't get over how loved that boy is by so many people who didn't get to meet him, and hopefully, because he's safe at home - never will.

So many generous people who love hard, and love Cookie Monster no matter not meeting him.

Grief

It's hard to explain and experience grief for a child who is still living and only lived with you for about 43 hours. It's hard to explain to anyone, but I'm so thankful to have a text group with some other single foster mamas. They understand it and were so supportive! They acknowledged that I was feeling grief when I couldn't put into words what I was feeling. They shared their experiences and said no matter how long or short a child is in your care, you'll experience grief and heartache in some way.

"I'm not afraid to grieve, I'm afraid of what will happen to these children if no one took the risk to love them."

People have shared many comments in their supports and throughout this experience where I just bite my tongue. Everyone is well-intentioned and supportive so I don't want to take that away but I want people to know that this situation was tough! It wasn't good for me to experience, it wasn't lucky for him to be in my care. It was traumatic for him. We love him and will take him in again or will sooner or later receive another placement, but overall I want people to know that a foster placement for me means another broken family. I'm so appreciative of my support system but I want to be as honest as I can. I learned so much from this experience, but it doesn't mean that this was the right way for things to happen.