Post Visitation

Here I am, a first-time foster parent. I went through the training that discussed what post visitation should look like...well for every age but a baby! I listened, I wrote things down, and I thought I learned.

Suggestions included:

- getting outside

- finding a way for the child to release whatever he or she is feeling (i.e. bike ride, chalk, a sport, etc.)

- a creative outlet such as painting, journaling, drawing, etc.

- a safe space to talk when he or she is ready

- giving appropriate space for the child, based on age and need

These are just a few, and now I think mister man has the ability to

- go outside on a walk (it's winter but when it's nice out)

- jump in his jumper

- give safe space (snuggles or some time to self in the crib)

It can be challenging because of feedings, naps, not knowing everything about car rides and visits, along with him being a baby and his routine being thrown off. I always work to get him back into a routine, because that is researched based and best for most kiddos. I strive to let him feel, but he is a baby and in my opinion probably confused.

Here's what I've seen post visitation:

- crying

- tired

- self talk in the crib

- needing snuggles

- needing sleep

- crying while sleeping

- crying so much sleep is a struggle

- bottle to soothe

- dislike a bottle

- chugs a bottle

- shorter naps

- longer naps

- no naps

Now, these are all things all babies go through, but we have the hardest time with these minor things post visits. I've noticed this routinely and I want to share that this is a major part of becoming a foster parent that needs to be discussed. We had one, maybe two classes where we touched on this and I wish we talked more about it.

There's an unknown that goes along with becoming a foster parent. I feel everything I've read touches on the unknown of background info, how long the child will be with you, health history, when he or she will be reunified, etc. The unknown goes so much deeper though, it's unknown how all parties are feeling, perceiving information, understanding one another, and I'm sure more. I feel because I don't know what mister man is truly feeling, that mister man struggles after visits for a variety of reasons. I'm assuming this is all very confusing and re-traumatic at times. Even though he's so little, it doesn't take away from the big feelings going on inside his little body. I'm working to learn more about trauma-informed parenting and have been reading some books I find very informational.

I'm continuously working to be open-minded, non-judgemental, and level-headed; and I for sure don't always win with myself. I often reflect and am annoyed with myself because I frequently fail in these areas. I will continue to work on these skills but find them to be some of the most challenging to grow in.

Here are some things I've felt post visitations

(some are fair feelings, others need to be worked on)

- annoyance

- frustration

- confusion

- hurt/sadness

- happy

- joyful

- helpless

Sometimes visits don't go the way they're supposed to, life gets in the way, unexpected things happen, and so much more but it doesn't change my feelings. I'm not superhuman - I have lots of emotions and they come out in some form or another. Today post-visit I called my mom to vent and she was a great reminder to think about it in a different way. It helped calm me down and not jump to conclusions...which is funny because it's a trait I get from my mom. I appreciate her willingness to listen to me vent and offer a different perspective knowing that based on my mood I may snap at her. I always appreciate her advice and perspective, even though I rarely show it in the best way. Mother-daughter relationships just have that about them, right mom? Anyways, thanks for always helping and supporting me throughout this!

No matter how post-visitation goes, I will always be here for mister man and any future children that come into my care. I want to provide that perspective and advice while they live with me, or afterward whenever they need it. It will always require taking a step back and reminding myself of the bigger picture, but that's what part of foster care is.

I always want my focus to be:

- to love that child 1000%

- the safety and security of the child in my care

- to pray for, support, and send love to the entire family during this process

- let parents work through whatever it is they need to be able to reunify with their child