Recharge, Refocus, Restructure

How do you recharge?

I truly feel that I encompass that of an extroverted extrovert. I love being around people, I thrive off of feelings, small talk, catching up, and checking in on my friends. Recently, I've realized that I'm not doing that and it may be a reason I'm not fully feeling myself. I was talking to my SIL about how the past week being with everyone was amazing, but I needed some time with my little family. I think that was 100% accurate, but I still needed to recharge in my own way. I thought that being around my family would be my recharge, but my sister pointed out that I'm not currenlty at work and following my typical routine which is what I thrive off - being around my students and other people.

This year has been an extrovert's struggle... well it's been everyone else's struggle. We can all pinpoint why this year was extra hard for us. I mean who didn't have time to sit and worry. The 'woe is me' feeling hits all of us, and I was not immune to that feeling. I've been complaining avidly on my instagram about how I'm overwhelmed instead of sharing what I'm so lucky and thankful for. That obviously influences my mindset starting the next day - why am I complaining about this spectacular life I'm living. Why did Thanksgiving end and I decided I needed to point out all my stressors? I realized that I haven't fully been putting out what I'm expecting to take it. I'm a firm believer in that...YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE! I haven't been checking in and haven't been there for my friends in the way I use to be. Part is because of COVID and part is because I'm a new mom. I need to have grace with myself at times but I also need to reconginze what I miss about being there for others and find a small way to bring that back.

Overall we've been doing well as our family of 3 (yes, Jovie does get included). We have our routine, our struggles, likes, dislikes, and exciting new adventures. We've been together for over 50 days. Mister man has grown so much developmentally, physically, and emotionally. He smiles every morning when I get him out of his crib, he furrows his brow when he's unsure of someone or some place new. He turns his head at any sight or sound...which makes bottles a whole new level of distracting. He's becoming much more comfortable and aware of his surroundings and I could not love it more. At the same time, I realize it also makes the process of reunification more challenging for him.

Attachment is the entire reason for foster care; being a foster parent means teaching a child what attachment is. It's also realizing that while your helping families work to reunite, it's setting you up to hurt and that child up for confusion. Mister man is a baby, so he's connecting to his surroundings but he'll always have a connection to his parents. That makes this a hell of a lot more complicated for him when he sees all 3 of his parents (yes, I consider myself one of his parents at this time - as he gets older he may view me differently, but for now this is how I feel about it) throughout a day or week, and especially confusing when he saw us all together. It is still 100% the correct process to be going through, but as I'm doing so I am realizing just how many confusing and contradicting feelings come into play.

It is something I struggled with on Thanksgiving. I met his parents, and I shared in my last post that's not going to fully be addressed, but I will address the unexpected emotions that I had. I was overwhelmed with the mix of emotions that hit me on Thanksgiving. It's a time for reflection and gratitude but part of my heart was a bit lost. It was hard to realized that the love I have for mister man will stay with me forever, but may be a temporary feeling for him. It was hard to watch so much love between a family and recongzinze that there are challenges in place that stop that process. There's also some pre-concieved judgements that I try not to have, but do. It was the first time I physically handed him over to his parents, even though he's seeing them regularly and mentally I'm on track for reunification, it was still a unique experience. My therapist pointed out that is probably a major reason I had such a mix of emotions. Even sitting and typing this I thought I would better articulate my feelings, but I think maybe it's one of those experiences that you have to go through to understand and can't really be explained. I can't say I understand what those feelings of motherhood are in the sense of carrying and birthing a child and others can't fully understand my feelings in this situation. That is all 100% okay, but sometimes doesn't feel that way.

Mister man and me after Thanksgiving meal.

When we converse a major part of conversations is making connections, but maybe we all need to sit back and listen more. By we all...I mean ME! I always try to connect experiences but that's the exciting part of life, we all have different experiences to share. This past week with my family contained some deeper conversations and ways of thinking. I used to call these 'life chats' and couldn't wait for them, but I realized I use to want to vent and felt that was a way to allow myself to share what's on my mind. As an actual adult (not 18 to 23 year old drunk Dana) I realize that 'life chats' are what allow me to hear another persons way of thinking, parenting, processing, learning, teaching, etc. It give me alternative perspectives and it's up to me to be openminded and listen. I can take in things I agree with, research things I'm unsure about, and ask questions on topics I don't agree with.

Going back to my point above, I've been really focused on the stress in my life. I'm not sad or annoyed with my life but I'm feeling the weight of stress, both physically and mentally. This is something that a mindset shift can help with. December is my favorite month, the day after Thanksgving is my favorite day of the year, I love the feeling and spirt of Christmas; so why am I letting the negative mindset win? It's something I don't know, but I can work to change. I can set my alarm and begin the morning routine that best influences my day. I can reach out to others, share some Christmas spirit, listen to Christmas music while baking cookies, and so much more. I can find my positive habits and reincorporate those as part of my daily routines. I can be my own motivator, but maybe I need to stop comparing myself to others for bit.

I know that favorite implies just one, however I have two favorite Christmas songs. The first is Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, BUT, it has to be the Frank Sinatra version....tears everytime! It makes me grateful for the typical Christmas scenario with my family and that even though every year it might not take place on Christmas, we make the time for Fake Family Christmas. We're happy to spend time together and be in one another's company. We dont' loathe or detest one another, it's not a to-do for the holiday season, it's a time we look forward to. We allow ourselves to be anxious for multiple reasons weeks prior because we know the time we will spend together is worth those moments before. We're okay getting frustrated with one another becuase who doesn't get frustrated here and there. We focus on the good times, we have laughter, joy, and lots of kids and pups all around! We have what I always imagined as we grew up - continued love and support from our family.

My second favorite Christmas song is Old City Bar by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. The entire song encompasses what Christmas looks like for some. We don't all share the typical Christmas scenario of dinner, gifts, and family. It talks about changing the world through small actions! It sings "If you want to arrange it, this world you can change it, if we could somehow make this Christmas thing last". People know I'm obsessed with Christmas, but many don't know it's in part because of this song. Keeping the spirit and heart of Christmas all year, could truly change some happiness and goodness in my opinion. I wrote a paper about this song my sophomore year of high school, and will never forget that people thought I was crazy when I shared a Christmas song being one of my most impactful songs in February.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhXSLSltWvY

This year, I think my mind set has shifted to what Christmas may look like for many families. Mister man's parents are going to have a very different Christmas than our Fake Family Christmas. No, I don't imagine them when I listen to the second song, but I do realize that their Christmas isn't going to be the same as mine. Mister man's first Christmas is not going to be the same as many children's first Christmas. Part of his Christmas will be hard for him, maybe not as noticable this year but still. He's not spending his first Christmas with his one set of parents, and that's not easy - even as a baby. Maybe that's why this holiday season is more challenging for me than most. Hopefully I am able to shift my routines, mindset, and structure without putting up to much of a guard to the mix set of emotions that are bound to happen this with this next holiday.