She Doesn't Do It All

It's only been two months since my last post! Pretty impressive if I do say so myself.

Life has been busy and chaotic per usual, but the positives are: we love our new home, we're adjusting well to daycare, a new job, a new PreK program, and more. We're still settling. I feel like a fool for thinking we'd be all set by October 1st. But we're here and finally getting around to some more decorating and a bit of real organization.

Overall, I've been debating if I wanted to write and share my feelings about this, but something always holds me back. In reality, I think it's because I feel weak to admit this. I love that people see me as this independent woman and mom. I also know that I have such an amazing support system that I worry it would seem I'm ungrateful - which is completely not the case. Lastly, it seems kind of like a complaint - which I guess in a way it is!

Being in the middle of a jam-packed holiday season, it's come to light a bit more than I've noticed in the past. That feeling of loneliness. We've all felt it at some point in life, and this year it's just a bit more prevalent. Today after work I was talking and another single mom said to me, 'so I knew motherhood was going to be super hard but I didn't know it was going to be this lonely - did you?'. I paused for a minute because yesterday I was venting to another single mom at work about how I just can't keep up and feel like I'm failing because everything is just too much. Today I realized the expectations in life just feel too high! We all know this feeling in some way, but for me, it's been very apparent the past few weeks as a single mom. That's not to say all single people, women, moms or caregivers, overwhelmed humans, whomever, don't get lonely at times...but this is my story, my perspective and this is what I know.

So we know social media creates a space to both feels seen also creates space feel like a failure. The problem is social media also feels like one of my biggest outlets. It's an easy way to connect about a struggle by scrolling and seeing someone else going through it too. It's a safe way to connect without feeling I have to put myself out there too much or burden an in-person friend with a problem. The problem is that isn't an outlet. It's a way to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, but all my feeling are still right there. The difference is that in person I have to own up to everything. For a small example, whenever someone comes over I automatically apologize because my house is honestly never cleaned up to social standards/norms and I can't keep up with anything...I'm sure there's a way but it doesn't feel like I can find one that's manageable these days. But overall I have to take ownership of the way my house looks. I've chosen to prioritize other things and therefore that's made me invite people over less than I used to. I worry about how my house looks, and how that makes others perceive me. It can't be hidden in a conversation like it can through texting or scrolling.

So back to the thing I'm trying to say, this chapter of my life feels lonely, even when surrounded by loved ones! It's easier to acknowledge this behind a keyboard than to invite a friend over to share because well - it's vulnerable and as much as I"m an open book, vulnerability is something I struggle with!

Something as simple as having a cold for the past two weeks has just consumed all my energy. I've felt wiped! Work has been a bit overwhelming, as is life in education in November, and going from Halloween to Thanksgiving and now getting mentally prepared for Christmas has been a lot. I'm a verbal processor so not having a boyfriend or husband, or even best friend means that I can't word vomit all my thoughts in the way I need. I don't have the validation in my decision-making, or encouraging text to keep me going. At the end of the day, I know my needs aren't being met because after I put the kids to bed it's just me and my thoughts to figure out the next step, sit in my worry and anxieties, think about the future with, etc. I get tired earlier than I use to, and I am more disconnected than previously. It's weird to sit and think about this because it means that some areas that I've changed - haven't been the growth and positive change I had been seeing more regularly.

Today I drove from one school to another for an IEP meeting and was feeling anxious on the drive, so I just sat in my anxiety. I didn't call a friend. I didn't text my sister. I just pondered about why I was anxious and then stirred in the what if's underneath my anxiety. I felt stressed and overwhelmed thinking about all the things that aren't done at my house. I just went down another rabbit hole of thoughts of what needs to get accomplished and how I won't be able to get it all done, which feels like I'm failing.

In reality, am I failing in life (is that even a thing)...no. I'm able to figure out ways to process my feelings, I make sure our home is doing well enough to not go crazy, and I keep up with all our meals and laundry and errands, and appointments. I get the kids dressed and out the door every day and make sure I do my job well. The list goes on and on as well all know. When I go to therapy I often feel the need to stick to the topic of foster care or work, but I never go deeper into the fears of my what-ifs and the feelings of not knowing who to call when I'm overwhelmed. It's those hidden stressors that make me feel like I'm failing. It just doesn't feel like the place to discuss it all - even though that's the exact place to discuss it all!

As I said, I have an amazing support system and I know all my friends and family would listen in a heartbeat - but currently, it's just a season where I feel a bit on an island. It's not a good or bad island but it is a notable island. It's a place island I never really saw myself, but I'm here and just figuring it out one day at a time!

This is mainly just a long vent session acknowledging that as the holidays approach, check on your people because winter is starting and sometimes we all just need a quick check-in!

I know I'll get out of this feeling soon, and I'll be able to implement ways to better my mood and feel more positive and accomplished, but right now that's not where I am, and sometimes that needs to be acknowledged too!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! I'm sure I'll have some cheesy holiday post in December but for now, I just had to express where I'm at so I can move forward and enjoy this time with family and friends the best way I know how! Thanks for following along on my journey and allowing me to be my most open and vulnerable self, in a way that works for me.