Thirty-fun & a Month of Messy

Happy 60th Birthday Michael Jordan! I will forever keep that as my favorite fun fact, because yes – we share a birthday. Birthday weekend brought a nice break from reality as we’ve had a hectic month over here. There’s been so much and it’s been hard to share, as it just continues to be messy.

For my birthday I got to go out to drinks and dinner and then host cousins' brunch the next day at my house with the kids part of it. My aunt came to watch the kids so I could go out that evening with my cousins as well! Sunday and Monday we took it easy and just enjoyed the weather! I’m so grateful to everyone who made that weekend so enjoyable! I struggle to go out and enjoy time for myself because I often feel guilty or anxious after. This is the first time in a long time I truly just enjoyed! I was so happy because it shows I’m taking care of myself.

I always love to reflect on my previous year, but this year I didn’t do that. I know I’ve seen lots of growth in myself but I didn’t feel the need to sit and write it all down this year. I’m not sure what the reasoning was, but I’m okay with it. I plan to reflect at the end of 2023, so for now I’ll continue to work on staying present at the moment. I’ve very actively been trying to stay in what I’m doing as I have a tendency to jump 20 steps ahead in what-ifs. It’s been nice to just enjoy each moment for what it’s been and to feel my feelings as they come.

Realities in Foster Care

This month has been my least favorite regarding foster care. We’ve had lots of messy! This is the first time I’ve written a letter to the judge, had to call advocacy multiple times, and still feel I’m not being heard.

Similar to the world of education, it’s not the kids – heck that’s why I’m still doing this, it’s the adults. The ones who preach policy, and then fail to adhere to it, the ones who need control and power and don’t look at how the situation is affecting the kids or anyone else involved. It’s the 'I don’t care about others because I'm only looking out for myself', that I’m over.

I don’t want to go too much into the situation, as that’s not beneficial but I will say is our old caseworker overshared information, I’ve been ignored multiple times, and we haven’t made any successful or influential progress in the case which makes everything feel 100 more frustrating. I have 3 kids at home that I’m doing my best to advocate for and unfortunately, we see differently on what’s best, not long term – just in regards to visits and consistency.

I have my personal feelings on each situation, but I am still supportive of the overall goal – the best interest of each CHILD! However, Illinois is a constant reminder that we are a family preservation state, and only work to meet minimum parenting standards, no matter how this may impact the child. My personal belief is that family preservation is in the best interest of the child, so why aren’t we a child’s best interest state, this would mean at times we have to state that goals need to change. That we need to stop putting the adults first and instead put these children first!

I could go on and on, and hey if you want to listen I’d be happy to have you over for a movie night and coffee or meet up for a quick bite – heaven knows I’ve been craving more outlets but it’s tough to reach out and say “I need someone to come over for movie nights on visit days because I struggle with the emotions of everything”. I was talking to my sister, and she said I need to put it out there so, for now, I’ll place it in this blog and then hopefully one day I can text someone and say ‘Hey, can you come over? It’s been a hard day.’

Foster care does carry lots of heaviness. It brings feelings, judgments, insecurities, questions, trauma, attachment, security, safety, and so many other things. It means I’m working to balance emotions for myself and these little people, who shouldn’t have to be in this situation. The world would be wonderful if foster care didn’t have to exist. I love being a mom but in an ideal situation my babies would be with their first families and I would be searching for love and a different journey to motherhood, but that’s not the case. We live in the messy. We live in stress. We live in trauma. It’s just a fact, this is our reality, and I will continue to do it and will continue to know my ‘yes’ to my kids is an agreement to support and advocate for them, whatever lies ahead.

My Mental Health

Obviously, this month has been a great check-in on where my mental health is at. I’m so glad I decided to start medication because without it I feel I’d be a disaster – kind of like our house ha-ha! But in all honesty, there’s not a major update in this area as I’ve been doing well. I will say my anxiety is still very apparent but it’s not unmanageable.

The biggest tell of my anxiety is the house being messy, and being out of routine. I purchased a new bedroom set and mattress for myself and packed my room up, and waiting led to being out of my typical routine, and for those few weeks, my anxiety was much more noticeable. I’m still getting things reorganized and back to how I’d like but I’m making sure to stick to my basic routine as well as possible.

It was very obvious that the first 5 weeks of 2023 led to some better routines for myself, and once I had to shift things that affect my day-to-day (i.e. no alarm clock/phone as an alarm) I very quickly did not function as well. It’s awesome to see what’s been successful, but I know I need more time to truly make these into habits that will continue to help me be my most successful self.

The other thing my therapist and I recently talked about what the mental burnout I’m finding myself in. Between work and the kids, I’ve had multiple heavy days of behaviors and trauma-filled information. I don’t mind it but typically there’s a break and I haven’t had one recently. I’m at a point where I can tell I need to schedule some time for myself with friends or solo because I just can’t take that mental break from it at home. That’s something I’m really going to work on this next month so I don’t feel consumed by all the heavy that’s been going on.

February Finances

My goal this month was finances – while I kept all my receipts and have logged my spending I haven’t taken as much time to truly dive deep into finances the way I wanted. This is something that I’ll continue to work on while I also work on accountability this month. The goal of each month is to make these changes to become healthier habits, and if I need to continue working to build the healthiest habit – so be it!

I feel that finances are this major thing in our lives that we tip-toe around talking about. Maybe it’s because I make the least amount of money in my immediate family, and am currently contemplating pursuing a second master’s degree, maybe it’s because budgeting is important but so it’s the ability to spend here. There sometimes, maybe it’s because I think about money differently than others – but I don’t know why we can’t talk about it more.

We learn from both our mistakes and from others. I picked two books for the month of February. Unfortunately, I only finished one due to all the additional stressors and outside factors that led to being out of routine for much of the month. However, the main takeaway from this book wasn’t to look at money solely in the terms of a budget, because then we’re pretty much bound to fail at some point but to create habits that allow for healthy spending. I talk to my sister often, because we look at money similarly but also have different ways of feeling in control of our money and applying that to our daily lives. I love hearing from her because it makes me think about things without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

When looking at the reasons for my extra spending, it used to be to people please – to stay out with friends, help pick up the tab, convenience others on one card to later realize tip wasn’t included in so and so paying me back…whatever it was is that I didn’t want to be the burden. I’d feel bad acknowledging hey, it’s tight this month and I just budgeted for myself. Very quickly learned that lesson. Well now, it’s more about making sure my kids have what they need, which they do! They are well cared for but that question of “Am I enough for them as a parent?” end ups with extra purchases that aren’t necessary. It’s great to acknowledge this because now I can work through it!

This plays such a big factor in my financial planning, and to really sit with that and realize that was a big reason for additional unnecessary spending felt great because now I can adjust! Strict budgets work for some, however, that’s not how my brain works, and then if I overspend I feel guilty and like a failure. I want to build a relationship with money that feels healthy throughout its fluidity. I want to learn from my mistakes and create healthier habits around spending. I also want to be able to teach my kids what a healthy relationship with money is.

Update on the Kids

Cookie Monster: February was a month regarding his case, but I shared those realities above. Cookie Monster is doing AMAZING, especially given the situation. We went for cognitive assessments, and I was blown away by his skills. I have a follow-up in March to discuss all things Cookie Monster but I’m so happy to have been able to see and discuss more things about him!

Cookie Monster is loving school! He also loves picking out his clothes and being independent. He tried to parent the younger two, which we are working on. His big feelings still come in hot and heavy but we’ve both learned how to work with one another to address these to best support him. Cookie Monster has become much more affectionate this month. He wants to snuggle and give hugs often. He loves hearing ‘I love you’ and saying ‘I love you’.

This spring Cookie Monster has shared he’d love to play T-Ball. The realities of making this work are a bit more complicated, however, I’m working to problem solve and allow him to be able to participate in T-Ball if not spring, then at least early summer!

Mister Man: Don’t worry all – he’s still not sleeping. When that starts happening that will be the sole post because it’s been a long few years of no sleep. He does have surgery later this month to work through some possible issues impacting his ability to sleep adequately.

Mister Man is pretty Mr. Social at daycare. He says hello and goodbye to every classmate and teacher. He also feels he’s in charge of everything, even when told no. We are for sure getting close to becoming a threenager because the attitude has come in this past month.

Mister Man continues to love to run around. He’s never not moving. Getting outside more this year has been beneficial to all of us, but especially Mister Man. I’m debating if he’ll join gymnastics this spring or if I’ll wait until fall (in the fall I don’t have to go to class with him). So many therapists have commented how both swimming and gymnastics are great to help meet his sensory needs, so I’m glad we’re close to summer when we can go to grandma and grandpa's house to swim!

Peanut: Peanut has made so many gains this past month! She is a chatterbox and repeats any and everything you say! She’s up to about 20 words – which is HUGE! She’s been working with an SLP and PT. She’s still my biggest fan, which I love but we’re working on finding ways to incorporate some healthy boundaries (aka letting me pee and shower ha-ha).

Peanut loves to sing and dance! She also loves to read ‘Pout-Pout’ & ‘Peek A Boo’ as she calls them. She’s learned the pattern of the books and is helping to read certain pages at times! She loves to put her babies to bed before she goes to bed. She also loves to be chased and giggles like no other!

Hope everyone had a fabulous February and it was full of joy and love.

Happy March & thanks for being part of our journey and village!