'Twas the Night Before Final Inspection

'Twas the night before final inspection and all through the house I was rapidly cleaning to ensure signs of no mouse...

kidding

KIDDING

But really, the cleaning isn't as intense as the other times she came. It's more of a surface clean and making sure all safety things are in order and paperwork is complete. I always strive to be myself, but we know that's not always the case. Going into my licensing day - I fully want to be me.

I'd say this recent selfie I snapped on vacation most accurately represents me. Happy with myself, enjoying some time for reflections, a smudge of sunscreen on my nose, at peace with the day, even though I was pretty frustrated when I went off on my kayak ride. This journey has helped me to be open to sharing the positives about myself; however, I want to make sure I'm doing so in a non-conceded manner. That's still something I'm working on, but with self-reflection and support I know I can grow in this area.

Tomorrow, fingers crossed, means I'm officially licensed to parent - so crazy right! The anxiousness of being approved has been A LOT! It's hard to have someone else judge if you're fit to parent, but in today's society, people judge no matter the situation. I needed to judge myself throughout the process to be confident...and I mean CONFIDENT, that I am ready for this journey.

So what are my next steps...well finish cleaning the house is #1, go over my paperwork is #2 and in bed around 9:30 is #3. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a good night's sleep; I mean I still have a full day of work tomorrow before she comes. Part of me wishes I took a half-day tomorrow, just to make sure I was all set for the day, but I know I need to save my days for when there is actually a child in my home.

I reached out tonight for some good vibes, not because I don't think I'll be a good parent, but because it's nerve-wracking waiting for anything. Anything new and exciting makes people nervous, that's part of life! I just need tomorrow to be over, so I can worry about a child in my home, verse a checklist to approve me being a parent. The checklist is 100% important in this process, I just want that to stop consuming my every thought. I want to know that, on paper, I live in a safe home, am a responsible adult, and able to care for a child; because I know not on paper I live up to those qualities.

Now that I've stood up in between every paragraph to 'clean' a room I think I'm ready to fill out the few forms I have left. I'm happy I have Friday off from school. I'll be using that day to focus on grad school and a little bit of organizing my room (which I've neglected during this process and shoved everything into my closet), and then enjoy some me time in the afternoon. Sit out and read a book, take Jovie for a nice walk, I don't know - maybe reach out to have coffee with a friend. I just know I'll be using that time to decompress from the high anxiety I've had of what feels like 'proving myself' in many areas of my life.